So I'm just thinkin...

Maybe wondering is a better word. Wondering about God's timing. Wondering why I'm not more grateful for the awesome things in my life, when all around me people are dealing with tragedy and loss. Then feeling guilty, but I don't want to have a false sense of gratitude. I want to be really genuine. Really authentic. Then I think about faith. And how much my faith has grown in the last year- year and a half. Then I think about days like today when my faith seems so small. So not faith-filled. It seems really small. And then I think about what I just listened to Beth Moore say about it's ok to wrestle with God, just don't give up. Wrestling doesn't mean an absence of faith. That God's not looking for perfection, He's looking for faith. And then I feel awful that God and I are on this constant roller coaster of faith. That my faith goes down into those valleys, then I'm reminded how Good He is. How awesome His plans are. How He sees me and knows me. Just this morning at church I was telling Him I was sorry b/c I was doubting, wrestling maybe, but mostly doubting. And then the sweet words of Jeremiah 29:11 were read aloud by Glenn, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Not to harm you." And sweetly the Lord lifted my head and reminded me that His plans are Good. And that He knows what they are, so therefore they have to exist. Thank you Lord!! But I hate that my faith wavers. The Lord deserves so much more than this weak faith I have to offer Him. But then He tells us it only takes a mustard seed size faith to move a mountain. And mustard seeds are small! Really small! I know cause Mama gave me one once. Gosh- does that mean my faith is like microscopic?? I hope not. And I don't think it is. I think it's sorta big and it's growing. I hope it is. I'm not gonna let a day of doubting steal my joy or my faith! Beth is right (about a lot of things, but especially this!) that it's ok to wrestle with God and our faith, because out of times like these our faith grows. And I'd much rather have a growing faith, that sometimes doubts, than a faith that's stagnant.

Maybe the title of this shoulda been "So I'm just ramblin'" but that's what I was thinking about and it feels better to have gotten that out.

So... THE END.